Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Pseudo- Euphoria
Ephemeral high
on its half-life,
fading into muted songs
like the dimmed rays
of the depressed
sun, painting the skies
blood before retiring
to its graveyard
of consuming water.
Head numb,
not thinking
only floating
like clouds stooping down
to kiss pinnacles
of proud mountains,
urging, tempting
to uproot themselves
from the limitations
of the earth.
lostandconfused lost herself at 2:16 AM
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Wednesday, July 29, 2009
early morning
you must think me indifferent for not feeling any pain.you must think i'm a cold, heartless... yes that. but it is only because i try hard not to yield to this weakness pushing me into insanity. and it is hard, really. there is only so much indifference i can fake.so much pain i can mask. and my diversional activities are not doing me any good either.
however, believe me when i tell you: i have done my mourning. now it is time to release the mirrors from their ghostly white covers.
it's 6:22 AM while i write this. or type. ah, the technicalities don't matter to me anymore. nothing does. yet i still write. else, i think my mind would explode, or worse, give in to the evil forces pushing me. lol.
lostandconfused lost herself at 11:31 AM
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Thursday, March 19, 2009
not another stranger
Stranger,
You are unlike any other stranger I know. :) Do you know?
You said once that life is too short to trifle with. You are wise beyond your years. (Sober or not. XD) There is no telling where your wisdom may lead you. But you know better than to be too cautious. After all, life is but a transient occurrence. It maybe fragile, but it is too precious to be tucked away in a closet where nothing may cause it harm, safe with the company of only cobwebs to admire its splendor.
You have taught me to pay attention to the omens. You urged me to heed fate’s warnings. Maybe so much that, inasmuch as I would like to deny it, your paranoia is rubbing off on me. :P
However, my “indecision is taking over every time.” And this time, I have yet to overcome a fork in the road. It may take some time, I think, to learn the ropes of this…business—or art, situation, craft, or whatever you wish to call it. Unforch, time has never really been on my side. And I have never really been a fan, so the feeling is mutual. You know how I hate time. But I will try to befriend it.
Speaking of time, please be reminded that you owe me 30 bucks. Hihih… I do hope you would not forget to pay me. And soon. Since my replacement duties are coming up next week, and since my interest rates are likely to skyrocket again. You wouldn't want to be buried in debt, would you? Anyway, I should have just said that since it’s what I really wanted to say. I regret taking up so much of your not-so-precious time.
Also a stranger,
Reezah ^__^\m/
lostandconfused lost herself at 6:57 PM
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Thursday, March 12, 2009
loathing
I hate how I have been. I do not know myself anymore. I feel like I have been wasting my time in things that I do not even foresee myself to be in the future. I have always thought that destiny would come to me in some form of epiphany. I have been waiting for that moment to happen, but it seems like it’s all in my head. My illusions have been screwing with me. And every second I spent in waiting, is a second in my life wasted.
Do I put it to an end? Or do I go on? It should have been easy to stop. To just take a break and reevaluate my priorities. But then again, I don’t even know what I want anymore. And if I stop, who knows how much more time I’ll even end up wasting?
lostandconfused lost herself at 11:36 PM
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Tuesday, March 3, 2009
i'm not really good at making titles..suggestions?
An arm flung over
Light pillows
Where your hair
Flows freely
In bold tresses
Defying conformity
The other
Leaking scarlet
Contrasting
The innocence
Of sheets
And strength
of the mahogany floor
where
your letter
lies waiting
to bequeath a chronicle
of hope
for a happy ending.
almost as clear as the sky.
your eyes scream
relief.
They can never understand
For they are not you
And your melancholic heart
Hiding behind
An empty smile
On shiny surfaces
You see looking back.
They cannot blame you
And you cannot blame them
You can only blame yourself
‘Tis not freedom you chose
But escape.
lostandconfused lost herself at 5:14 AM
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Monday, February 23, 2009
to someone from no one
Dear Stranger,
Your smell is reminiscent of stationeries long kept under my bed, beholding stories of friendship, love and infatuation, along with trinkets that arouse clips of memories in my past. You do not know me. Nor I, you. We are mere strangers trapped in this awkward aura of familiarity, unsure whether to smile or turn a cold shoulder. However, I cannot help but stare at your face for you are an epitome of all things innocent and beautiful. But you already know that. Surely, you must. You turn heads. Girls would whistle if only their propriety would not be in question. Guys leash their girlfriends whenever you’re within a 100 feet radius. You, my gorgeous friend, are an eye-candy and perhaps the perfect masterpiece God has ever created.
However, past your centerfold face, your eyes behold a wretchedness so eloquently masked by a killer-smile that it elicits empathy within me I did not know existed. I should have known. Even Michelangelo’s David had crevices.
We part during a red light and still I stare ‘til your face becomes another blurry figure in my hazy memory. But for the moment I smile, thinking how freakish I seem. And for a moment there, I could have sworn you were smiling too.
Laughing now,
Reezah
lostandconfused lost herself at 1:04 PM
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Wednesday, December 24, 2008
wishlist
i know this wishlist is pretty late and getting pretty lame too, but it's christmas everyday so what the heck!
in absolutely no significant order:
- TWLOHA shirt. black please.
- Canon EOS 450? i'm not quite sure about the model and i'm no pro. but i want that camera terribly.
- MACBOOK AIR. need i say more?
- DC SLIP ONS. i saw it at Res Toe Run and just fell in love.
- WEEK'S VACATION. without portfolios to bug me! and a mountain of dvds.
- iPod. i really miss onyx.
- CUTE UNIQUE KEYCHAIN. i've been looking for one for months and i haven't seen any that has caught my eye.
- KEYBOARD. i really NEED it. you have no idea how long it took for me to type the previous lines. our dysfunctional keyboard is killing me!
- BOOKS. lotsa books. i have a lot to catch up on on my reading.
to be continued...
lostandconfused lost herself at 4:38 PM
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Thursday, October 30, 2008
Loser Song Syndrome
daphne loves derby keeps on teasing me. it's been almost a year (i think) since i last heard their song, but through an unexpected turn of events i heard the very song last night and it has been bugging me since. last night of all times. hmmm... is that weird? or is it just me? i am, after all, a master of deriving profound meanings from run-of-the-mill occurrences.
Can you take this silence like a pill so I can breathe again?
I've been trying to ignore the best part of you.
oh god, help me. i hate that title!
--- - ---- -- --- - ---- -- --- - ---- -- --- - ---- -- --- - ---- -- --- - ---- -- --- - ---
On some of the rocks are timeless raindrops. Under the rocks are the words, and some of the words are theirs. I am haunted by waters." -Norman Maclean, The River Runs Through It
On some of the rocks are timeless raindrops. Under the rocks are the words, and some of the words are theirs. I am haunted by waters." -Norman Maclean, The River Runs Through It
lostandconfused lost herself at 4:08 AM
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Saturday, October 25, 2008
vulnerable moment
i'd trade a million for your thoughts. if i had the money.
nah!
- - -
questions have been answered, but somehow i have never been more confused and vulnerable in my life.
i know dawn will soon follow. there is not an ounce of doubt about that, but i fear i've been too deprived of light in my life and grown too accostumed to the dimness that i dare not look at the sun. so i wish you'd just tell me because i'm too afraid to ask.
this is something i cannot fight. i don't even know you.
so i cannot try; you know i can't.
but when you died, it seemed like a part of me died with you.
and you're not even dead yet.
my words, although melodramatic, lame, vague, incomplete, nonsensical... and maybe missing some lines...
they mean the world to me.
lostandconfused lost herself at 7:41 PM
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vulnerable moment
i'd trade a million for your thoughts. if i had the money.
nah!
- - -
questions have been answered, but somehow i have never been more confused and vulnerable in my life.
i know dawn will soon follow. there is not an ounce of doubt about that, but i fear i've been too deprived of light in my life and grown too accostumed to the dimness that i dare not look at the sun. so i wish you'd just tell me because i'm too afraid to ask.
this is something i cannot fight. i don't even know you.
so i cannot try; you know i can't.
but when you died, it seems like a part of me died with you.
and you're not even dead yet.
my words, although melodramatic, lame, vague, incomplete, nonsensical... and maybe missing some lines...
they mean the world to me.
lostandconfused lost herself at 7:41 PM
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Saturday, October 4, 2008
unwelcomed vulnerability
i'm having disturbing dreams.
no, not nightmares. in fact, they are quite the opposite. however, my dreams for the past few days have been so vivid that they almost seem real. usually, i can tell when i'm dreaming. but these dreams... i'm almost convinced that they're really happening. and the frightening part is i do want them to be real. terribly. sad, i know.
i'm beginning to sound pathetic. sigh.
lostandconfused lost herself at 3:45 AM
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Thursday, July 31, 2008
mental catatonia
"If you don't know what you want, you end up with a lot you don't."
I feel like crap.
This is not where I want to be.
when did i start taking the wrong turn? the road less travelled, though frighterning and vague, should have been better path for me.
-----------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------
...
you are so much like him. and i doubt you even realize it. i don't dislike you. i just like you better on even numbered days when i recognize the smile plastered on your familiar face.
...
i need coffee. black. or a caramel macchiato will do. and make it grande please.
lostandconfused lost herself at 6:01 AM
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Friday, July 18, 2008
numb
i keep you safe,
locked away in my drawer
with the cobwebs
of a past
unknown
to the world.
These past few weeks have been without a doubt the numbest days of my life. I keep floating from one day to another. I have no idea where I'm going to end up next. I keep trying to find myself (no, i am not exaggerating or being melancholic), but i am always a step behind. i cannot explain how i feel, how much i've aged, or why i can no longer recognize the smile i see on the mirror. things change. a LOT of things have changed. maybe i could never look beyond the past to the extent that i subconsciously refuse to see the future, beside the fact that i have become a peter pan. i have never outgrown my neverland. i have no future! i have no life! gah!
Raindrops keep falling on my head...na na nana nana nana..
It rained the other day. I held out my hands, walking away from the shelter of the shed, and I welcomed each falling drop on my face. Someone up above must have known how much I adore the rain. Too bad, I could not bask in its divine downpour. I had too pass. I couldn't afford to get sick. I had to go on duty the next day. So I opened my umbrella and headed home, watching the rain as its mere presence comforted me. Maybe tomorrow. If it'll rain, maybe then.
you'll have to forgive me for ranting. these past few weeks have been way beyond my maturity or intellectual level.
lostandconfused lost herself at 4:47 AM
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Wednesday, July 16, 2008
and so it is
you are not alone.
i am with you
in every turn of a leaf
whose words engraved
you chant
in your head
with your lips silently
wishing they'd just
imprint theirselves
'til after the time of reckoning.
i am not alone.
you are with me
in every thought
that passes
restless in my mind,
broken only by another
yesterday's forceful memory.
lostandconfused lost herself at 5:07 AM
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Wednesday, July 9, 2008
insecurity attacks
I'm having one right now. I feel so inferior. sigh.
Uncertainty is such an excruciating feeling.
I don't know if I can go on this way. Giving up was never an option. Now it's an everyday consideration. sigh.
I was never really good at finding directions. I keep getting lost.
lostandconfused lost herself at 12:45 AM
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Saturday, April 5, 2008
High School Mem'ries
a survey i saw on a friend's (Chaucer) blog.
i was bored. so yeah, next thing i knew is the thing was completely answered.
1)ano sec. mo nng 1st yr high ka?
- peach. by color kasi yung mga sections namin nun.
2) eh nung 2nd yr?
- yellow. oh i hate that color.
3) 3rd yr?
- yellow pa rin.
4) 4th yr?
- st. augustine. nagka naning among school. hihih
5) anong best year for u?
- 4th yr. i dunno why. lingaw man gud to. heheh
6) marami ka bang friends nun?
- yep. .those who really proved to be true. ^__^
7) san kau kumakain kapag lunch?
- nung una sa canteen. tapos sa classrum nlng kasi ang daming tao sa canteen. pero minsan kumakain parin kami ni echie sa canteen.
8) san tumatambay after skul?
- sa canteen uli. pero most of the time sa oar(school paper) office.
9) lagi ka ba late pagmorning?
- oo. <--- understatement. halos everyday kasi akong late.
10) nasuspend ka na ba?
- hindi naman. muntik lang.
11)Bakit?
- sa dami nang late ko, milagro hindi na ako na tuluyang masuspend. heheheh
12) masaya ba pag foundation day?
- di ko na maalala... tingali.
13) have u ever danced on stage?
- hindi pa nman. and i'm not planning to either.
14) nagka bf/gf ka ba nong highschool
- hindi.
15) sinong all time crush mo nun?
- no comment.
16) would u go bak sa HS?
- i would if could.
17) ano lagi mong binibili sa canteen?
- spag at pork belly man tingai to. hahah.. i dunno. i buy a lot of thirsty though.
18) overpricing ba ang canteen nyo?
- pirti. hahah.. i think all canteens are like that.
19) nakakita ka n ba ng multo s skul?
- ako? hindi pa.. and i'm glad it has stayed that way. pero sabi nila maraming multo sa skul namin.
20) u ever sang on stage pag may program?
- me? sing? hell, no!
21) fave subj?
- ENGLISH
22) nabagsak k n ba?
- hindi pa.
23) have u ever been sent out?
- sa room? can't remember. pero i think i have though. hindi ko lang maalala...sigh.
24) feel mo ba malau ang HS bldg till canteen?
- nope. duol rman kaau. pwde raka mananghid mag cr tapos pumuntang canteen para mag snacks. ganun ka duol.
25) have u ever ran in the court?
- a couple times.
26) varsity??of wat?
- jackstone.
27) do u miss ur school?
- terribly.
lostandconfused lost herself at 9:43 AM
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Sunday, March 9, 2008
more to come
1. How are you feeling today ?
Song : May Angels Lead You In, Jimmy Eat World
hahah. bullseye.
2. Will you get far in life ?
Song : Everybody Hurts, Dashboard Confessional
"When you feel you've had enough of this life, hang on." waaa...
3. How do your friends see you ?
Song : Bleed, Anna Nalick
4. Will you get married ?
Song : Glory of Love, New Found Glory
Cheezy. gah!
5. What is your best friend’s theme song ?
Song : Worlds Apart, Silverstein
actually, The One You Love ta to xa.. kana ganing igat nga song.. tenetetetet tetetet... basta.. saonz maconsenxa ku kay maigo nya aku fwend.. hihih (^__~)v
6. What is the story of your life ?
Song : Too Late, James Blunt
hmm.. ouch. "He(she) accepts his(her) fate."
7. What was high school like ?
Song : Cancer, My Chemical Romance
really? d man pud tngai ui.. sigh.
8. How can you get ahead in life ?
Song : Living in Your Letters, Dashboard Confessional
no comment.
9. What is the best thing about your friends ?
Song : Say It Ain’t So, Further Seems Forever
10. What is in store for this weekend ?
Song : Mable, Goldfinger
11. To describe your grandparents ?
Song : Loco, Coal Chamber
hahah. partly true.
12. How is your life going ?
Song : This Photograph is Proof, Taking Back Sunday
doesn't make any sense. this photograph is proof nga..? vain ku? hahah d rbuh.
13. What song will they play at your funeral ?
Song : Bend Your Arms to Look Like Wings, Funeral for a Friend
kewl.
14. How does the world see you ?
Song : I’ve Been Dying to Reach You, Saosin
oh come on. seriously?
15. Will you have a happy life ?
Song : One and Only You, Parokya ni Edgar
16. What do your friends really think of you ?
Song : Maling Akala, Eraserheads
17. Do people secretly lust after you ?
Song : Enigma, Gregorian Chant
18. How can I make myself happy ?
Song : Beautiful Girls, Sean Kingston
waaa... makes me sound like a sadist.
19. What should you do with your life ?
Song : Tiger Lily, Matchbook Romance
20. Will you ever have children ?
Song : Teenage Dirtbag, Wheatus
21. What song would you strip to ?
Song : If I Am, Nine Days
weird. hahah
22. If a man in a van offered you candy, what would you do ?
Song : Somebody Kill Me, Adam Sandler
23. What does your mum think of you ?
Song : You Live, You Learn, Alanis Morisette
char.
24. What is your deep dark secret ?
Song : Miss Murder, AFI
25. What is your mortal enemy’s theme song ?
Song : A Favor House Atlantic, Coheed and
"i shoot; you run." This is fun. wow. mu rhyme pjud.
26. What’s your personality like ?
Song : My Heart, Paramore
hahah liar.
27. Which song will be played at your wedding ?
Song : Feel Like Rain,
uber kewl.
