}
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Thursday, July 31, 2008

mental catatonia

"If you don't know what you want, you end up with a lot you don't."

I feel like crap.

This is not where I want to be.

when did i start taking the wrong turn? the road less travelled, though frighterning and vague, should have been better path for me.

-----------------------------------------
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...

you are so much like him. and i doubt you even realize it. i don't dislike you. i just like you better on even numbered days when i recognize the smile plastered on your familiar face.

...

i need coffee. black. or a caramel macchiato will do. and make it grande please.


lostandconfused lost herself at 6:01 AM |


Friday, July 18, 2008

numb

i keep you safe,
locked away in my drawer
with the cobwebs
of a past
unknown
to the world.


These past few weeks have been without a doubt the numbest days of my life. I keep floating from one day to another. I have no idea where I'm going to end up next. I keep trying to find myself (no, i am not exaggerating or being melancholic), but i am always a step behind. i cannot explain how i feel, how much i've aged, or why i can no longer recognize the smile i see on the mirror. things change. a LOT of things have changed. maybe i could never look beyond the past to the extent that i subconsciously refuse to see the future, beside the fact that i have become a peter pan. i have never outgrown my neverland. i have no future! i have no life! gah!

Raindrops keep falling on my head...na na nana nana nana..
It rained the other day. I held out my hands, walking away from the shelter of the shed, and I welcomed each falling drop on my face. Someone up above must have known how much I adore the rain. Too bad, I could not bask in its divine downpour. I had too pass. I couldn't afford to get sick. I had to go on duty the next day. So I opened my umbrella and headed home, watching the rain as its mere presence comforted me. Maybe tomorrow. If it'll rain, maybe then.

you'll have to forgive me for ranting. these past few weeks have been way beyond my maturity or intellectual level.


lostandconfused lost herself at 4:47 AM |


Wednesday, July 16, 2008

and so it is

you are not alone.
i am with you
in every turn of a leaf
whose words engraved
you chant
in your head
with your lips silently
wishing they'd just
imprint theirselves
'til after the time of reckoning.
i am not alone.
you are with me
in every thought
that passes
restless in my mind,
broken only by another
yesterday's forceful memory.


lostandconfused lost herself at 5:07 AM |


Wednesday, July 9, 2008

insecurity attacks

I'm having one right now. I feel so inferior. sigh.

Uncertainty is such an excruciating feeling.

I don't know if I can go on this way. Giving up was never an option. Now it's an everyday consideration. sigh.

I was never really good at finding directions. I keep getting lost.


lostandconfused lost herself at 12:45 AM |