Sanity Deficiency

Pseudo- Euphoria

2009-10-20T02:16:00.000-07:00

Ephemeral high
on its half-life,
fading into muted songs
like the dimmed rays
of the depressed
sun, painting the skies
blood before retiring
to its graveyard
of consuming water.

Head numb,
not thinking
only floating
like clouds stooping down
to kiss pinnacles
of proud mountains,
urging, tempting
to uproot themselves
from the limitations
of the earth.

early morning

2009-07-29T11:31:00.000-07:00

you must think me indifferent for not feeling any pain.you must think i'm a cold, heartless... yes that. but it is only because i try hard not to yield to this weakness pushing me into insanity. and it is hard, really. there is only so much indifference i can fake.so much pain i can mask. and my diversional activities are not doing me any good either.

however, believe me when i tell you: i have done my mourning. now it is time to release the mirrors from their ghostly white covers.

it's 6:22 AM while i write this. or type. ah, the technicalities don't matter to me anymore. nothing does. yet i still write. else, i think my mind would explode, or worse, give in to the evil forces pushing me. lol.

not another stranger

2009-03-19T18:57:00.000-07:00

Stranger,

You are unlike any other stranger I know. :) Do you know?

You said once that life is too short to trifle with. You are wise beyond your years. (Sober or not. XD) There is no telling where your wisdom may lead you. But you know better than to be too cautious. After all, life is but a transient occurrence. It maybe fragile, but it is too precious to be tucked away in a closet where nothing may cause it harm, safe with the company of only cobwebs to admire its splendor.

You have taught me to pay attention to the omens. You urged me to heed fate’s warnings. Maybe so much that, inasmuch as I would like to deny it, your paranoia is rubbing off on me. :P

However, my “indecision is taking over every time.” And this time, I have yet to overcome a fork in the road. It may take some time, I think, to learn the ropes of this…business—or art, situation, craft, or whatever you wish to call it. Unforch, time has never really been on my side. And I have never really been a fan, so the feeling is mutual. You know how I hate time. But I will try to befriend it.

Speaking of time, please be reminded that you owe me 30 bucks. Hihih… I do hope you would not forget to pay me. And soon. Since my replacement duties are coming up next week, and since my interest rates are likely to skyrocket again. You wouldn't want to be buried in debt, would you? Anyway, I should have just said that since it’s what I really wanted to say. I regret taking up so much of your not-so-precious time.

Also a stranger,

Reezah ^__^\m/

loathing

2009-03-12T23:36:00.000-07:00

I hate how I have been. I do not know myself anymore. I feel like I have been wasting my time in things that I do not even foresee myself to be in the future. I have always thought that destiny would come to me in some form of epiphany. I have been waiting for that moment to happen, but it seems like it’s all in my head. My illusions have been screwing with me. And every second I spent in waiting, is a second in my life wasted.

Do I put it to an end? Or do I go on? It should have been easy to stop. To just take a break and reevaluate my priorities. But then again, I don’t even know what I want anymore. And if I stop, who knows how much more time I’ll even end up wasting?

i'm not really good at making titles..suggestions?

2009-03-03T05:14:00.000-08:00

An arm flung over
Light pillows
Where your hair
Flows freely
In bold tresses
Defying conformity

The other
Leaking scarlet
Contrasting
The innocence
Of sheets
And strength
of the mahogany floor

where
your letter
lies waiting
to bequeath a chronicle
of hope
for a happy ending.

your lips talk
of your departure,
almost as clear as the sky.
your eyes scream
relief.

They can never understand
For they are not you
And your melancholic heart
Hiding behind
An empty smile

They are not the stranger
On shiny surfaces
You see looking back.

They cannot blame you
And you cannot blame them
You can only blame yourself

But alas!
‘Tis not freedom you chose
But escape.

to someone from no one

2009-02-23T13:04:00.000-08:00

Dear Stranger,

Your smell is reminiscent of stationeries long kept under my bed, beholding stories of friendship, love and infatuation, along with trinkets that arouse clips of memories in my past. You do not know me. Nor I, you. We are mere strangers trapped in this awkward aura of familiarity, unsure whether to smile or turn a cold shoulder. However, I cannot help but stare at your face for you are an epitome of all things innocent and beautiful. But you already know that. Surely, you must. You turn heads. Girls would whistle if only their propriety would not be in question. Guys leash their girlfriends whenever you’re within a 100 feet radius. You, my gorgeous friend, are an eye-candy and perhaps the perfect masterpiece God has ever created.

However, past your centerfold face, your eyes behold a wretchedness so eloquently masked by a killer-smile that it elicits empathy within me I did not know existed. I should have known. Even Michelangelo’s David had crevices.

We part during a red light and still I stare ‘til your face becomes another blurry figure in my hazy memory. But for the moment I smile, thinking how freakish I seem. And for a moment there, I could have sworn you were smiling too.

Laughing now,
Reezah

wishlist

2008-12-24T16:38:00.000-08:00

i know this wishlist is pretty late and getting pretty lame too, but it's christmas everyday so what the heck!

in absolutely no significant order:

TWLOHA shirt. black please.
Canon EOS 450? i'm not quite sure about the model and i'm no pro. but i want that camera terribly.
MACBOOK AIR. need i say more?
DC SLIP ONS. i saw it at Res Toe Run and just fell in love.
WEEK'S VACATION. without portfolios to bug me! and a mountain of dvds.
iPod. i really miss onyx.
CUTE UNIQUE KEYCHAIN. i've been looking for one for months and i haven't seen any that has caught my eye.
KEYBOARD. i really NEED it. you have no idea how long it took for me to type the previous lines. our dysfunctional keyboard is killing me!
BOOKS. lotsa books. i have a lot to catch up on on my reading.

to be continued...

Loser Song Syndrome

2008-10-30T04:08:00.000-07:00

daphne loves derby keeps on teasing me. it's been almost a year (i think) since i last heard their song, but through an unexpected turn of events i heard the very song last night and it has been bugging me since. last night of all times. hmmm... is that weird? or is it just me? i am, after all, a master of deriving profound meanings from run-of-the-mill occurrences.

Can you take this silence like a pill so I can breathe again?
I've been trying to ignore the best part of you.

oh god, help me. i hate that title!

--- - ---- -- --- - ---- -- --- - ---- -- --- - ---- -- --- - ---- -- --- - ---- -- --- - ---
On some of the rocks are timeless raindrops. Under the rocks are the words, and some of the words are theirs. I am haunted by waters." -Norman Maclean, The River Runs Through It

vulnerable moment

2008-10-25T19:41:00.001-07:00

i'd trade a million for your thoughts. if i had the money.

nah!

- - -
questions have been answered, but somehow i have never been more confused and vulnerable in my life.

i know dawn will soon follow. there is not an ounce of doubt about that, but i fear i've been too deprived of light in my life and grown too accostumed to the dimness that i dare not look at the sun. so i wish you'd just tell me because i'm too afraid to ask.

this is something i cannot fight. i don't even know you.
so i cannot try; you know i can't.
but when you died, it seemed like a part of me died with you.
and you're not even dead yet.

my words, although melodramatic, lame, vague, incomplete, nonsensical... and maybe missing some lines...
they mean the world to me.

vulnerable moment

2008-10-25T19:41:00.000-07:00

i'd trade a million for your thoughts. if i had the money.

nah!

- - -
questions have been answered, but somehow i have never been more confused and vulnerable in my life.

i know dawn will soon follow. there is not an ounce of doubt about that, but i fear i've been too deprived of light in my life and grown too accostumed to the dimness that i dare not look at the sun. so i wish you'd just tell me because i'm too afraid to ask.

this is something i cannot fight. i don't even know you.
so i cannot try; you know i can't.
but when you died, it seems like a part of me died with you.
and you're not even dead yet.

my words, although melodramatic, lame, vague, incomplete, nonsensical... and maybe missing some lines...
they mean the world to me.

unwelcomed vulnerability

2008-10-04T03:45:00.000-07:00

i'm having disturbing dreams.

no, not nightmares. in fact, they are quite the opposite. however, my dreams for the past few days have been so vivid that they almost seem real. usually, i can tell when i'm dreaming. but these dreams... i'm almost convinced that they're really happening. and the frightening part is i do want them to be real. terribly. sad, i know.

i'm beginning to sound pathetic. sigh.

mental catatonia

2008-07-31T06:01:00.000-07:00

"If you don't know what you want, you end up with a lot you don't."

I feel like crap.

This is not where I want to be.

when did i start taking the wrong turn? the road less travelled, though frighterning and vague, should have been better path for me.

-----------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------

...

you are so much like him. and i doubt you even realize it. i don't dislike you. i just like you better on even numbered days when i recognize the smile plastered on your familiar face.

...

i need coffee. black. or a caramel macchiato will do. and make it grande please.

numb

2008-07-18T04:47:00.000-07:00

i keep you safe,
locked away in my drawer
with the cobwebs
of a past
unknown
to the world.

These past few weeks have been without a doubt the numbest days of my life. I keep floating from one day to another. I have no idea where I'm going to end up next. I keep trying to find myself (no, i am not exaggerating or being melancholic), but i am always a step behind. i cannot explain how i feel, how much i've aged, or why i can no longer recognize the smile i see on the mirror. things change. a LOT of things have changed. maybe i could never look beyond the past to the extent that i subconsciously refuse to see the future, beside the fact that i have become a peter pan. i have never outgrown my neverland. i have no future! i have no life! gah!

Raindrops keep falling on my head...na na nana nana nana..
It rained the other day. I held out my hands, walking away from the shelter of the shed, and I welcomed each falling drop on my face. Someone up above must have known how much I adore the rain. Too bad, I could not bask in its divine downpour. I had too pass. I couldn't afford to get sick. I had to go on duty the next day. So I opened my umbrella and headed home, watching the rain as its mere presence comforted me. Maybe tomorrow. If it'll rain, maybe then.

you'll have to forgive me for ranting. these past few weeks have been way beyond my maturity or intellectual level.

and so it is

2008-07-16T05:07:00.000-07:00

you are not alone.
i am with you
in every turn of a leaf
whose words engraved
you chant
in your head
with your lips silently
wishing they'd just
imprint theirselves
'til after the time of reckoning.
i am not alone.
you are with me
in every thought
that passes
restless in my mind,
broken only by another
yesterday's forceful memory.

insecurity attacks

2008-07-09T00:45:00.000-07:00

I'm having one right now. I feel so inferior. sigh.

Uncertainty is such an excruciating feeling.

I don't know if I can go on this way. Giving up was never an option. Now it's an everyday consideration. sigh.

I was never really good at finding directions. I keep getting lost.

High School Mem'ries

2008-04-05T09:43:00.000-07:00

a survey i saw on a friend's (Chaucer) blog.
i was bored. so yeah, next thing i knew is the thing was completely answered.

1)ano sec. mo nng 1st yr high ka?
- peach. by color kasi yung mga sections namin nun.

2) eh nung 2nd yr?
- yellow. oh i hate that color.

3) 3rd yr?
- yellow pa rin.

4) 4th yr?
- st. augustine. nagka naning among school. hihih

5) anong best year for u?
- 4th yr. i dunno why. lingaw man gud to. heheh

6) marami ka bang friends nun?
- yep. .those who really proved to be true. ^__^

7) san kau kumakain kapag lunch?
- nung una sa canteen. tapos sa classrum nlng kasi ang daming tao sa canteen. pero minsan kumakain parin kami ni echie sa canteen.

8) san tumatambay after skul?
- sa canteen uli. pero most of the time sa oar(school paper) office.

9) lagi ka ba late pagmorning?
- oo. <--- understatement. halos everyday kasi akong late.

10) nasuspend ka na ba?
- hindi naman. muntik lang.

11)Bakit?
- sa dami nang late ko, milagro hindi na ako na tuluyang masuspend. heheheh

12) masaya ba pag foundation day?
- di ko na maalala... tingali.

13) have u ever danced on stage?
- hindi pa nman. and i'm not planning to either.

14) nagka bf/gf ka ba nong highschool
- hindi.

15) sinong all time crush mo nun?
- no comment.

16) would u go bak sa HS?
- i would if could.

17) ano lagi mong binibili sa canteen?
- spag at pork belly man tingai to. hahah.. i dunno. i buy a lot of thirsty though.

18) overpricing ba ang canteen nyo?
- pirti. hahah.. i think all canteens are like that.

19) nakakita ka n ba ng multo s skul?
- ako? hindi pa.. and i'm glad it has stayed that way. pero sabi nila maraming multo sa skul namin.

20) u ever sang on stage pag may program?
- me? sing? hell, no!

21) fave subj?
- ENGLISH

22) nabagsak k n ba?
- hindi pa.

23) have u ever been sent out?
- sa room? can't remember. pero i think i have though. hindi ko lang maalala...sigh.

24) feel mo ba malau ang HS bldg till canteen?
- nope. duol rman kaau. pwde raka mananghid mag cr tapos pumuntang canteen para mag snacks. ganun ka duol.

25) have u ever ran in the court?
- a couple times.

26) varsity??of wat?
- jackstone.

27) do u miss ur school?
- terribly.

more to come

2008-03-09T04:48:00.000-07:00

1. How are you feeling today ?
Song : May Angels Lead You In, Jimmy Eat World

hahah. bullseye.

2. Will you get far in life ?
Song : Everybody Hurts, Dashboard Confessional
"When you feel you've had enough of this life, hang on." waaa...

3. How do your friends see you ?
Song : Bleed, Anna Nalick

4. Will you get married ?
Song : Glory of Love, New Found Glory
Cheezy. gah!

5. What is your best friend’s theme song ?
Song : Worlds Apart, Silverstein
actually, The One You Love ta to xa.. kana ganing igat nga song.. tenetetetet tetetet... basta.. saonz maconsenxa ku kay maigo nya aku fwend.. hihih (^__~)v

6. What is the story of your life ?
Song : Too Late, James Blunt
hmm.. ouch. "He(she) accepts his(her) fate."

7. What was high school like ?
Song : Cancer, My Chemical Romance
really? d man pud tngai ui.. sigh.

8. How can you get ahead in life ?
Song : Living in Your Letters, Dashboard Confessional
no comment.

9. What is the best thing about your friends ?
Song : Say It Ain’t So, Further Seems Forever

10. What is in store for this weekend ?
Song : Mable, Goldfinger

11. To describe your grandparents ?
Song : Loco, Coal Chamber
hahah. partly true.

12. How is your life going ?
Song : This Photograph is Proof, Taking Back Sunday
doesn't make any sense. this photograph is proof nga..? vain ku? hahah d rbuh.

13. What song will they play at your funeral ?
Song : Bend Your Arms to Look Like Wings, Funeral for a Friend
kewl.

14. How does the world see you ?
Song : I’ve Been Dying to Reach You, Saosin
oh come on. seriously?

15. Will you have a happy life ?
Song : One and Only You, Parokya ni Edgar

16. What do your friends really think of you ?
Song : Maling Akala, Eraserheads

17. Do people secretly lust after you ?
Song : Enigma, Gregorian Chant

18. How can I make myself happy ?
Song : Beautiful Girls, Sean Kingston
waaa... makes me sound like a sadist.

19. What should you do with your life ?
Song : Tiger Lily, Matchbook Romance

20. Will you ever have children ?
Song : Teenage Dirtbag, Wheatus

21. What song would you strip to ?
Song : If I Am, Nine Days
weird. hahah

22. If a man in a van offered you candy, what would you do ?
Song : Somebody Kill Me, Adam Sandler

23. What does your mum think of you ?
Song : You Live, You Learn, Alanis Morisette
char.

24. What is your deep dark secret ?
Song : Miss Murder, AFI

Shh.. serial killer rbuh ku. bald na head ug barcode nlang aku kuwang.

25. What is your mortal enemy’s theme song ?
Song : A Favor House Atlantic, Coheed and Cambria
"i shoot; you run." This is fun. wow. mu rhyme pjud.

26. What’s your personality like ?
Song : My Heart, Paramore
hahah liar.

27. Which song will be played at your wedding ?
Song : Feel Like Rain, Motion City Soundtrack
uber kewl.

confusion is nothing new

2008-01-29T03:39:00.000-08:00

head floating,
numb,
in a daze.
the mist clears
only to reveal a
maze.

life...less

2008-01-29T03:33:00.001-08:00

life without connection to the information superhighway is hell. ugh! inutil among pc. the whole of it. the mouse... keyboard... monitor!! waaaa

midterms na. well, it's almost done, only a day or two to go. i'm not exactly sure. failed in my microbio exam. sht. :(

gotta go. rental is an ass. heheh.

dysfunction

2007-12-12T06:51:00.000-08:00

there's something wrong with blogspot. i can't seem to see the most recent entry posted. but it's only in my pc. not in anyone else's. maybe my pc's the problem. i'm not sure. and i don't wanna jump to conclusions. i love this ancient pc even though it gives me headaches because it can sometimes be a pain in the ass. heheh.

well anyway, i was just trying to see if i could see this entry right after i post this. i bet i won't, but hah i know what i posted here anyway. and you can see this post, right?

movie review assignment

2007-12-10T22:46:00.000-08:00

“NARS” IS A pathetic excuse for a movie.

I apologize for the bluntness of my language, but I cannot think of a better euphemism to describe the movie that has left my mouth agape, not because of its poor quality but because it had potential flowing from its every scene which (unfortunately) all went down the drain. Don’t get me wrong. It was neither the remote seats in the movie house, the lack of better multimedia equipment nor the expensive tickets that drove me to dislike the movie. Believe me, if the physical setup was the sole basis for my judgment, I would not think twice in giving this movie a lone star out of five, and I would have walked out of the theater a second after the movie started. The real reason for my disappointment, though, is the film’s lack of substance and severe superficiality.

Honestly, I grew excited at first because of the famous names and faces (and the reputation, too, that went along with them) found on the promotional posters. Although the actors and actresses gave an exemplary performance, they were trees left in a small pot to thrive. The plot and screenplay left little room for the performers’ characters to develop. There were several chances for the scenes to reveal a more profound side to the story, but much to my utter dismay every scene halted to a dull hanger.

Take Jodi Santamaria’s story for instance. Sure, she was moved by Ka Leo’s speech about nurses going abroad and having none left in the Philippines, but not enough for that to be actually be the reason why she decided to stay in the country. Her only reason was she was sick of being rich. The film didn’t even delve deeper to her plight which was not really too believable.
I realized after watching the movie that people stereotype nurses and among those people are the makers of this film. I feel bad for Mr. Carl Balita who I admit I admired for his achievements and his excellence in the both the fields of Nursing and Business. He should have reviewed and re-reviewed the film before showing it. The movie only showed what everyone knows about nursing students and practicing nurses. What was lacking in the movie was the masked reality of the professional and of the study. It could have talked about the plight of the nurses abroad or the students’ struggle in mapping out a blurry future. It could have delved deeper into the lives of these people, how the present circumstances of the society have forced these individuals into making certain decision and the experiences they went through to become what they are now. But nah, it settled for the obvious cliché.

The movie had hardly scratched the surface of nursing and what it is to become a nurse. It only settled for a love story as an eyecandy of a main attraction. It built an excitement it could not sustain, only to fall flat on an awkward end. Thus, there is nothing more for me to contemplate than the thought of what the movie could have been.

early mo(u)rning

2007-12-07T21:05:00.000-08:00

i found this written somewhere on my health care notebook

You sat beside me,
a hand reaching over mine
(intertwining);
and i knew
without the exchanging
of sentiments nor the slight
bending of heads
that dawn will soon follow
for the silence we shared spoke
beyond what words could
ever declare.
But for now dear stranger,
we walk
hand in hand
to cover lonely mirrors
with ghost-white
linens.

SUN days and randomness

2007-12-01T07:45:00.000-08:00

The days are beginning to feel warm. I so liked the previous days when the sun's raging rays were blocked by the adorable clouds. I miss the rainy days. They were so much more fun.

- - -

i have class later. at 8. not really a class class, more like another excuse for teachers to get us stuck in school. we're supposed to prepare the school and the props needed for the Nursing Week next week (or this week since it's already midnight of Sunday). I hate school on Sundays.

- - -

my head is numb. my body is supposed to be feeling something other than the typical sensations my hands and my skin are experiencing right now. but then again, feeling nothing is better than feeling the pangs of pain.

- - -

after several attempts of making plans on watching the movie Enchanted, we have yet again failed. i'm giving up. i don't want anymore rainchecks. rainchecks are so overrated. there were opportunities, but they never really happened, did they? nada. too late now. i'm backing off.

- - -

adam brody is super kewl and seriously cute. hahahah...

- - -

i hate presumptuous people. sometimes others can be really irritating.

- - -

remember the time i sang "again i go unnoticed" to you? well... i hope i'd forget that. it was uber mortifying. gah!

- - -

i miss hey there. the things i said...i'm sorry. and i'm only saying that because i know there's no way in hell you'd get the chance to read this. hah! i miss tichoi too. i wish you hadn't eaten my ipod. i could have spared you from life imprisonment. but much love still. XD

- - -

i just noticed. my blog's clock isn't right. sigh.

bsn 2-c shirt (front)

2007-11-17T20:43:00.002-08:00

Mr. Definition

2007-11-15T02:53:00.000-08:00

inspired by my English instructor
who talks to us like he thinks we're stupid
to he who gives us quality time
to exercise our artistic prowess
by boring us to death
and denying it.

Dry lips release
a chorus of yawns
in a vain
attempt to overshadow
his monotonous song.
Boring,
an understatement
made by wandering
heads propped on
impatient hands
that count the
minutes his every word
robs.

lost in confusion

2007-11-14T08:04:00.000-08:00

The fog
subsides
only to reveal
a

m
a
z
e.

hopeless (repost)

2007-11-14T08:00:00.000-08:00

words end in
vain.
they cannot define
nor give
the slightest justification
to what i feel.
or not feel.
nothing can.
when the letters
form into words and start
to make sense,
you make me realize
how clumsy i have been.
so inept.
unsure.
then the words
evolve into a
code.
impossibly rare.
unbreakable.
only through my heart
could i understand.
but not really.
somehow
truth sets in.
and i have
to close my eyes
just to plainly see
this deception.
digital fortress.
deceiving myself. blinded
by mere dreams
of perfection.
idealisms.
you.
and your
promising smile
which wasn't
really meant for me
to start with.

front

2007-11-12T04:45:00.001-08:00

back portion

2007-11-12T04:26:00.000-08:00

all this is giving me headaches

2007-11-11T07:30:00.000-08:00

i keep having headaches. not just any headache, my head is throbbing and it feels like it's a second away from falling off.

it started last night and it was still there when i woke up this morning. i hoped it would somehow go away, but it didn't. i thought i just need more of my beauty sleep so i slept again. later, i discovered it was silly of me to believe so. gah! fortunately, my mom gave me advil. now, now... why didn't i think of that? stuuupid.

anyway, i have cash. lol. it's from some generous people during my birthday. i don't know what i'm going to buy though. err.. what i'm going to buy first, i mean. there are just so much i want and the money surely won't be enough. i'm choosing between an ipod nano 3rd gen or a watch. hmm.. maybe lotsa books. or rubber shoes. cellphone. dvd's? ugh! god i want lotsa things!

i want books. i've been itching to read something lately. i almost bought "tuesdays with morrie" and the sequel to "on the brighter side i am now the girlfriend of a sex god" (i forgot the title) last time i went to natio. thank god i didn't have money then. >.<

it's 1 am and i still have class tomorrow (or later), but i haven't finished my assignment yet. sht. i hate assignments. i hate school. who doesn't? argh.

emo is gay

2007-11-10T05:22:00.000-08:00

let me state for the record that i am NOT emo.

people assume that i am when, seriously, i'm not. i don't know when the teasing started and i don't really care, but word travels fast (since my classmates aren't at all fans of discretion) and before i knew it others already assume that i'm emo. talk about bandwagon!

don't get me wrong. i am not deeply hurt by this labeling (okay, i am somehow... a bit... offended, but definitely not hurt). i just think that it isn't fair for me here.

what is it that makes people think i'm emo? is it because of my taste in music? just because i listen to some bands who make good music doesn't mean i live and bathe their words. is it because i frustratingly write poems? (those words don't even have the slightest resemblance to poetry!) last time i checked, self expression wasn't a crime. my self expression, that is. or is it because i'm an introvert who often allots quality time for my self? if you're looking for a people-person, maybe i can introduce you to my friend karen. but not me. absolutely anyone but me. fact is i'm an avoider. withdrawn. i don't usually do small talk. heheh.. but i'm learning. ha. i'm pretty moody too. but i swear it isn't me. i think it's the hormones doing all these to me. hormones are such pesty lil things.

i am all these and more, and this is my world. you cannot me make pretend to be an entirely different person just to please people. i hate people who have these high expectations from me... those who dictate who i'm supposed to be. i'm supposed to be me, dammit! i'm being me. i don't want to fit into some box of your definition of me.

wtf. i'm ranting, aren't i?

oh well, i don't really care what you think of me. (okay. i care somehow. maybe a bit. but not really.) as long as you stay in your world, then i'll promise to stay in mine.

stray cat

2007-10-21T06:48:00.001-07:00

There is no cross-
roads where I walk.
No significant
acknowledgment of people
passing by and bumping
my shoulder.

There is only
the asphalted street,
stretching straight ahead,
becoming the sky.
And the gentle wind,
(intoxicating)
singing lullabies
to my eager ears.

I keep walking (maybe gliding)
towards the end-
less road
sullied by potholes,
capturing the winking stars
whose mere sight
give hope to my
broken dreams,

but my world has been
tilted topsy-turvy.
Stars have become
mere objects on the sky-
colored corners
of my notebook
These hushed voices
have become mere noises
in my head-
phones.

Though I still walk…
‘Til the sky is shattered
by a light (on the other side)
green
with envy
and cars rush
to block my view
of the world.

insomnia

2007-04-20T01:34:00.000-07:00

faint music,
nocturnal lights.
counted a thousand sheep
in my restless mind.
yet my eyes,
they fail me.

dancing shadows,
cricket’s song.
nearby, an echo
of rushing footsteps.
and yet no sign
of any night dweller.

several deep blinks ,
a yawn.
as my eyes begin
to slowly yield
to deep slumber.

blurring vision,
fading murmurs.
I force my eyes shut;
as my dreams consume me,
and nightmares torment me.

regrets

2007-04-18T08:03:00.001-07:00

i know i promised to post here everyday, but i dont think i can keep it, especially when i have no idea what to post about since my life is pretty uneventful nowadays. i'm just stuck home watching movies and television series on dvd. i've finished watching prison break until the 16th episode of season 2 and i can't wait to watch the succeeding episodes. michael scofield is just too hot to miss. too bad the dvd my dad bought was just until ep16. now i have to buy season to all over again. sayang naman.

anyway, i have realized something today. (not that i rarely realize things.) you see, my cousin just started taking piano lessons today and my desire to learn playing the piano resurfaced once again. when i was little, i wanted to take classes that would develop or give me any talent. i took interest in ballet, drawing and painting, writing, and music. i especially wanted to learn to play a musical instrument. unfortunately, i never really got to pursue any of these interests since i thought the fee was expensive and i didn't want it to add up to my mom's burdens. eventually, my desire faded. i had other things to worry about in grade school: fitting in, my obsession with playstation, and you know... kid stuff.

after some time, i began to self educate. i struggled in learning how to play the guitar and i learned a little, but i soon realized i wanted to learn how to play the piano more. i knew there was no way i could ever get piano lessons so i gave up. i thought i would just get over it that quickly, but in high school every time we had our music class i would grow jealous of my classmates who knew how to play the piano. i grew even more jealous when i learned it was their mom who insisted they take lessons. my mom knew i wanted to learn, but she never asked me if i'd like to take lessons. i wished she had insisted. i don't blame her though. i wish i had not given up that easily. i wish gave more intrest in taking up piano lessons. now, i just think it's too late.

starting over

2007-04-09T05:29:00.000-07:00

I don’t know what it is but there’s just something I can’t quite put my finger on. My hand just can’t seem to stay still. My fingers, they tap and trace the forgotten corners of this ancient keyboard. I long to type in letter by letter, but the words quickly fade and the letters fall short. What is wrong with me? I know I’ve always kept a restless mind. One that travels more than miles and miles away. No, not miles. Universes, yes. Each thought brings me to new worlds until I’m so far away that I cannot even remember where I started. And when I stop to take a pause, I can no longer recognize where I am nor can I fathom the distance by mind traveled. Yes, I’ve always been restless mentally, but whenever I try to materialize these ideas they suddenly disappear like bubbles in thin air.

For years, I have been struggling to resolve this issue. To fulfill this need. To fill the pages of my journal or my previous blogs.

I think that’s what pushed me to start another blog. My previous ones were boring, really, with posts which were several days, if not months apart. Now, I’m promising myself that I would post everyday, if possible. After all, I have no life. I think I can post everyday. I just hope I would.